African Parenting: Balance Between Strictness And Leniency.

Parenting is the hardest task in the world and while most people understand the gravity of it, overwhelming majority choose not to meet it with required preparedness. Parenting may be defined as the process of grooming a child from birth till adulthood. It may in better terms be explained as the act of executing duties of raising and relating with a child such that he/she grows to become adequately prepared to manifest his/her potentials as a human being. There is no easy way to actualize this, parenting requires physical, emotional, social, mental, and intellectual capabilities. It is fun to spring out a young version of yourself; some dream it, some patiently anticipate it, others just hold it to be an inevitable aspect of life. The real work however lies in forging the best ever version of that little you. Different factors across the globe play vital roles in shaping parenting styles thus making them vary from individual to individual. Factors such as culture, religion, parental background, educational level, personality amongst others play important roles in this regard.

African parenting over the years built strong and independent personalities rich in values and discipline. Values that would make any other race pale in envy save perhaps the Asians. The togetherness of family members, veneration of cultural heritage, the respect accorded to elderly ones, the concept of community policing of kids are from the take aways of parenting style in Africa that has made it unique. However, secularism and imitation of the West put many of these initiatives at risk. There is a loud cry amongst the revivalists to restore our old ways of parenting. It is worthy to note that these modern and imported techniques are not entirely bad for us in Africa. We should not forget that the iron hands used by most fathers and mothers in an African setting made many adults bitter as they grow. The “it’s-my-way-or-the-high-way” principle laid down in most homes may have groomed adults with respect for rule of law and hierarchy while at the same time established the dominance of the parent in the house, but one could not hide the fact that it made many parents untouchable. Irrespective of right or wrong, the parent is always right. This creates an impression in kids to suppress the truth when they have the means to do so. Admitting your flaws as a parent especially to your kids does not diminish your place or right. Such an act would instill teachability in your child; he/she becomes an adult who does not allow ego or pride obstruct the path of truth and the acceptance of it. There is no doubt parents are in charge of their kids but this authority should not prevent them from giving their wards free will to cultivate their own minds. Without an iota of doubt, they need guidance and mentorship which should be provided and the attempt to seize their minds should be shelved. Do not train a robot who only takes instruction, a “shigidi” who can’t ask questions or voice his opinions. Many adults here died a natural death due to excessive control of their parents. They have their own lives to live remember? Be humble enough to ask them what they think, what they want, why they do or did not do.

Parenting in this part of the world put children on their toes and expectations academically or socially are often demanded. For most kids who don’t have absentee parents, report cards at the end of a session, performance in one activity or the other are mostly scrutinized. This is an encouraging act except that the judgmental and comparison attitude is the sour taste that ends the meal. Repeated scolding when a child falters and comparing him/her to peers does more harm to self-esteem. This single act is enough to shatter the child’s trust in confiding his dark days to the parent. We all agree that imperfections are part and parcel of us and sometimes we get it wrong before we can get it right. For a child, it is no different. When the child messes up and you can be dead sure it would happen, he/she feels at ease to open up to others than those who had his/her best interest at heart - the parents.  The parent had a part to play in this by the constant tearing down of the child with boiling words whenever the child comes up short of expectations in school or other areas of life. This is not to say that punishment, scolding, change of attitude is not required to straighten a child but this is to say that you should avoid being judgmental and kicking your child when he is already down. It is paramount for parents not to be too soft when handling kids. A child can easily fall into perdition if stringency on the part of the parent is totally lost. Stringency on the other hand should not be confused with harshness or coarseness; treading a middle path between the two extremes provides the ultimate answer.

One reason parenting is so hard is because you have to be in your best frame of mind to make the right decisions. The best way to positively influence your child is to be an example. If there is any quality you desire manifested in your offspring, be that quality. The mentality of kids is to emulate their parents. Hence, you should ensure you keep your bad habits away from them. A nagging mother who put up fights with the husband would breed a similar prototype even if she despise the trait in her kids. An alcoholic man would father irresponsible, lackadaisical personalities irrespective of his lofty aspirations for his progeny.

In conclusion, the common practice of throwing blames and shifting responsibilities from one person to another between couples presents a difficulty. There is a saying common to a tribe in Africa: “A good child is for the father, the opposite belongs to the mother.” The likes of these ideologies have made many African men to become irresponsible. They leave the bulk of parenting task for the mother to shoulder and wait to get the lion’s share when the child becomes successful. The roles of both father and mother are required for a child to fully grow into an adult with maximum readiness to handle life and raise rancor-free offsprings. There is no better way to achieve this aim than through African parenting minus those baggages that stemmed from the misconceptions of our forefathers.

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